I am trying to find my voice again, but it seems to be ever out of reach.
Sometimes I hear it whispering, while I'm driving or washing dishes or as the pleasure passes after making love.
But when I sit down here the words all scurry into the shadows and dodge me completely.
Today I had some thoughts, thoughts on this new life of mine and and thoughts on finding my voice again.
Thoughts on letting the delicate, winged creature inside of me have her moment in the sun--
a moment that will last a lifetime, if I'm lucky.
I have shed the outer layers, the hard shell that protected me for so long.
And now I am just Me.
I am whole, and happy, but...
new.
I am hesitantly growing accustomed to this being, this Self.
It feels so good, and only a little bit scary.
I know that I am safe.
I know that I will not have to live in such fear and in a constant state of survival
ever
again.
The strength of it surges through me leaving tracks conspicuously all over my bones.
I thought a lot today about coming home.
I don't feel like I'm here yet.
I don't have a rhythm here...I don't fit into the heartbeat of this place yet, because I spent so much time being forced into that other pattern...that foreign place, that far place...it feels like it was a dream.
I have been asleep for 15 years?
Yes; sort of.
I am here, and things haven't changed much, but they have changed so much.
The place is crowded with ghosts and memories.
The woman bagging my groceries...she was a dishwasher at my summer job.
The cop patrolling the parked cars was in my Algebra class.
The parents picking up their kids were at my high school, in another district, but yet here we all are.
I don't feel like I really live here.
I am exisiting in some sort of cheerful Purgatory.
Bah.
I will be back with more thoughts soon.
But I have to go now.
We will celebrate with good friends tonight.
And soon...this house will be unpacked and I will have some job somewhere and I will drive a car with a Maine license plate and I will say...some day...unexpetedly, "Ah....yes. I am home."
(but hey, at least in the interim, I am so well loved that I can hardly see straight and I am so happy I can hardly remember the pain.)
5 comments:
Sometimes it seems like a bad dream, like it wasn't really me, it was another Ariel in another life...And I was just watching...
"My god it's been so long, never thought you'd return!"
"Some times you've got to die to be born again."
"I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob"
Sounds like your voice to me...
It is scary to find yourself.
But it is a safe scary.
Kind of like running through one of those temporary Halloween fun houses that pop up everywhere this time of year.
Yes, you nearly piss your pants when the clown with a chainsaw chases you out of one room into a room where a large spider drops down onto your head.
Even though you let it scare you, you know that it isn't real and you'll make it out of the other side in a few minutes laughing.
Here's to a lifetime of laughter...
It takes a while for a newly hatched butterfly to dry out her wings, and then remember how to fly.
There...that's your pithy sickly-sweet platitude for the day! :)
I'm thining it's good to have you back. No gooshy platitudes, Mona did a good job there. *g* Just pleased to know you're back and getting happier.
And you know it'll sound more like "Ayuh, ah'm home." *g*
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