Here I am

I was hoping to have something to say,
or expecting to have something to say.
Or something.
And perhaps I do!
Mostly I'm just procrastinating.
I'm trying to do anything that will keep me from having to write a 5-7 page paper that sort of confounds me.
It is supposed to be a literary criticism, but I also need FIVE sources.
And biographical information about the authors.
I will not enjoy this paper.
The whole point of being an English major is that I am supposed to be able to bullshit my way through any and all papers.
There are times when I feel very strongly that I am not cut out to be an English teacher.
There are ways in which I feel it is my CALLING, but there are also ways in which I loathe the subject, as taught to me by others.
Maybe that's the whole point....maybe this struggle I'm having with the way English is taught will give me crucial insight into the ways that I need to approach teaching the subject myself.
Or maybe I'm just being revealed as the hardcore slacker that I am.
I'm a poet, man, not a professor!
I am just lucky to be a functioning member of society; am I pressing my luck by attempting to be an organized and motivated member of society??
Whatevs.
But that reminds me.......
It is nearly November and I would like to invite any and all who happen across this page to join me in the mad dash to 50,000 words called National Novel Writing Month!
I am sooooooo ready.

I am having a really hard time focusing on school this semester, though.
Being a working Mom has been a difficult enough adjustment for me after 7 years of stay-at-homeness, but throwing school on top of working momosity is just kind of frying my brain.
I want to be good at maintaining a clean and efficient household while excelling in my studies while showing up on time and focused at work.
But that, my friends, is just NOT gonna happen.
I am managing to juggle them in a pretty decent fashion now that the wedding dust has settled, because that was just sheer madness--who plans a wedding for three week into a new semester?? I really thought my heart was going to explode from the palpitations.
Still, I wish this essay would just write itself while I sleep.

Ok, enough whining.
Here are a few pictures of the wedding, for anyone interested.
I'm on facebook, too, so email me if you want to add me.




It was such a beautiful day.
I am so in love with this sweet man, I can't even breathe, sometimes!
He has such a kind heart, and such a patient, loving spirit.
I am home.

Wedded Bliss

Yup, I'm drownin' in it!

Here is the rundown, as written to a friend earlier today.
Well, in his world it was written sometime tomorrow afternoon.
Or something.

The wedding weekend was sweet perfection from start to finish.

At the rehearsal, Michael slipped a diamond ring onto my finger and won the
Most Romantic Gesture of All Times award. It was a complete surprise
and just took my breath away. We had wedding bands, but had decided to
wait on the diamond until we could better afford it. But he knew it
was important to me and he made it happen! It is a family heirloom,
his great grandmother's ring, and it is absolutely beautiful. Then we
went and had a fun and relaxing dinner with all the rehearsal
participants and family, and went our separate ways for Bachelor and
Bachelorette parties. My girls helped me put 52 miniature blueberry
pies into bakery boxes and tie ribbons around them, while enjoying a
drink or two, and then we headed to a bar with karaoke. My cousin
signed me up for "Like a Virgin" and I resisted, but we ended up
having a blast. She posted some pictures of me and of the wedding, so
if you go to my photos on facebook, you should be able to find them in
that section of "Photos other people posted of you" or whatever it's
called.

Then the big day! I woke up at 6am even though my alarm was set for
8:30...ugh....went to bed at 1:30, and could have used a few more
winks!! Oh well...I was excited! So, we scrambled around and got
tables set up and centerpieces arranged, and then I got my hair done.
I don't know why I bothered. I mean, it looked quite nice, but no one
else can make my hair look the way I want it to look. Oh well. Then
off to have my make up put on by beautiful Mary, who was the link
between Michael and I initially, and to collect the flowers that she
picked from her garden and arranged into bouquets and boutonnieres and
corsages and whatnot. And into the dress and off we went! It was a
whirlwind, and we were....aaallllmost late...And when I arrived at the
beach, my favorite brother was there to walk me through the woods--a
lush, green, winding path at the edge of the ocean--it felt like a
fairy tale! We were little white riding hood and her merry party--my
maid of honor and her two little sweet girls as flower girls. As we
began to walk, I heard distant music and I almost worried. I assumed
it was some jerk, drinking beer and listening to his boombox, but my
brother said, No, it's a party and they're pretty serious. This didn't
allay my fears, but when I rounded a bend, I saw long hair and flowing
robes and the flag of Israel! It was the Feast of Trumpets,
celebrating Rosh Hashanah! As I walked past the clearing where they
celebrated, they quieted and blew a horn, speaking to me--wishing me
peace and god's blessing! It was so unspeakably beautiful! I felt so
uplifted and like the universe was smiling down, giving me a big sign
of approval--as if I had any doubts. :) And then I arrived at the
edge of my wedding spot. I could see the crowd of people fanned out
across the rocks and it flooded me with peace and smiles! So many
people there, full of love for us! And then the bagpiper started up
and my brother escorted me across the unstable rocks and handed me off
to Max and Oliver, who each took one elbow and walked me down the
aisle, denoted by crepe paper held down by rocks. We walked across the
path of flower petals left by the darling girls ahead of us and then
the boys handed me off to Michael. We couldn't stop smiling. As the
officiant put his bagpipes away, we grinned at each other and nearly
bounced with anticipation. Ken spoke, words of wisdom in his rumbling
bass voice, and we had to resist kissing every time he said something
we particularly agreed with--somehow it didn't seem right to kiss
before he gave his pronouncement that we may, but we also are used to
kissing as punctuation for happy things, so it was an exercise in
restraint. And then we each pulled out our Blackberries and read from
them our vows. Afterward, everyone said how beautiful they were and
even the officiant said he had some more prepared material, but didn't
find it necessary as our words were so complete and well-done. Yay. :)
So then we exchanged rings, and kissed and walked back to the other
edge of the rocks where we greeted our guests as they filed past, and
then posed for pictures. The reception was fun and the food was
great--the cake was beyond amazing. So mouth-wateringly delicious that
I would crawl inside it and live there just so I could eat my way
out.... We got to visit briefly with each guest and there were
toasts--Abbey's was SO BEAUTIFUL! She talked about knowing me from
childhood and that she had watched me look for a love like Michael for
most of the 30 years we've known each other, and that she was so glad
that I had found him. Really sweet--I'll have to ask her if she wrote
it down, cuz I want a copy! We danced some and ate some and my Mom and
my sister worked SO HARD, and so many of our friends and family worked
so hard. I am humbly grateful to them.

We had a room reserved in Augusta, our state capital, which is about
45 minutes away from us, but we stuck around to help clean up (I
couldn't feel good about leaving the work to our friends and family
who had worked so hard all day to make it a beautiful day) and by the
time we got home, we were BEAT. We decided to pass on the drive to
just sleep in a bed that couldn't be as comfortable as ours. And then
we were able to get up in the morning and open presents with all the
kids and just be surrounded by the love and joy of our family! It was
AWESOME. So glad we did it that way. And my brother who was visiting
from Utah was still in town, so we went to my Mom's to have left over
wedding food (for me: crab alfredo and bread and salad and
caaaaaaaaaaaake!!!) and visit with him. SO glad I did that, too. And
Michael went to help his friends load up all the tables and chairs we
had rented and borrowed and returned them to their proper locations
and then we said goodbye to my boys (at my parents') and dropped his
boys at their Mom's and loaded up the car for our trip to Boston and
hit the road. At 4:45 I logged in to my school website to let my
professor know that I wasn't going to make the 5pm deadline for a
paper, only to discover that she has a bad (possibly H1N1) flu and our
assignment would be pushed off for a week!!!! Hooray for me!! (sucky
for her).

And on Monday we got up and rode the subway into the city, had amazing
delicious Indian and Thai food, then went to the New England Aquarium
and looked at all the swimmy things--sharks and seahorses and seals
and whatnot. Very nice. And then back to the hotel, naps, and on to
U2!!!! When we arrived at the ticket window, they couldn't find our
tickets, so I started looked through my email for the confirmation
letter and it said that I MUST print out my tickets and that this
email wouldn't grant me admission and I started to panic and Michael
almost scolded me, and they still couldn't find our tickets, but
thennnnn, the nice lady found my tickets and explained that I had paid
a dollar extra to save myself the trouble of coming to the ticket
window but voila, here are my tickets! PHEW. I almost peed my pants.
And then we found our seats and they were good enough, though not
close enough, never close enough. Snow Patrol was great, and U2 was
astounding! They put on such a great show and every song was beautiful
and we loved every second of it.

And then Tuesday we wandered through bookstores and a mall, enjoying
the time and another delicious meal and putting off our Return to
Reality, but looking forward to seeing the kids anyway.

Maybe I'll get to see some pictures soon and I can post those when I have them.
Yay fun!!

Weary...

Today I am weary.
And overwhelmed.

My Dad is in the hospital, his last kidney has dropped from a functional level to a very low level.
His blood pressure is low, he is dehydrated.
He is doing ok, but I am worried and uncertain.

This, wedged between my wedding (10 days away) and my reentry into college.
August saw the stepsons move back in for our 6 months, September brought school for them, school for my boys, school for me and more hours at my job. Plus wedding planning.
I got through that first week and was feeling semi-sane, but now there is this.
And other stuff, making my heart break.

I want a time out.
Stop thinking, feeling.

One month..........

In one month I will have a new last name.
Whoa.
And more important than that, I will have a new husband!
Wow....husband...
That'll be cool.

Sometimes I freak out a little, but I never stop believing that we belong together, like a sock and a shoe, like a spoon and a fork, like the stars and the moon, like cats and fleas.....hehehe.......

Have I mentioned how overly warm it is?
We have had the weirdest summer EVER.
Cold and rainy for all of June and all of July and now?
SuperMegafuckinHot.
I dunnot loik it.
I prefer the rain, and I'm pretty sure I said so at the time.
I wasn't bothered by it, but towards the end I started to at least be sympathetic when others complained about it, as well as feeling bad for my boss, whose business depends on good weather.

Wow...a post about the weather.
Yippity skippity.

I should write something reeeeeeeeeal.

Oh!
Well.
I meant I should write something fictional, but relevant.
And now, as I sit here contemplating, I remember something real, indeed.

I was walking to my car after work the other day.
Walking through this too-pretty-for-words little town where I sit, looking at the dear little harbor.
Smiling back at the great, empty isocoles triangles ascending above their lovely little boats, waiting for sails to fill them and give them meaning.
So I was there, with summer breeziness swooshing around me and sunkissed shoulders and cheeks and feet-tops feeling warm and glowy.
I was walking quickly because my family was at home and I was eager to see them.
I crossed the little foot bridge, inhaling the perfume of the flower box flowers, and glanced down at the ducks.
I saw a young woman approaching, talking on her cell phone.
She had a happy, glowy look to her--but her glow had a different source than mine.
She whispered urgently into her phone, trying to share her news with only the friend on the other end of the phone and not with the strangers she was passing in the coming twilight.
I heard her, but her friend did not, so she repeated herself, slightly louder, just as she passed me.
I smiled jubilantly, catching her drift and wanting to high-five her.
Our paths had now crossed and as she receded behind me, her impatience to share her news took precedence over her hope for privacy and she enuciated loudly, "I HAD SEX!"
I walked on, toward my car and my happy future and continued to smile, remembering my own moment of sharing with my best friend the news of my first time.

Happiness...

I wear it like a dress...
sometimes it swirls around me in the winds of change,
sometimes it clings, awkwardly, showing the curves I don't find sexy.
Happiness is like a fog, changing my perception of everything around me...
dulling my senses.
I wouldn't say I miss the life of quiet misery resulting in a sharpness of vision,
but I miss the sharpness of vision sometimes.

I grow less and less afraid of myself every day.
Though I remain afraid of the shadow I cast...

Hello, hello!

What a beautiful world it is!
We have been mired in rain and cloudy-fogginess for weeks upon weeks, and today the sun shone sweetly upon us!
Hooray!
I went kayaking with good friends,
had a delicious meal with my love,
and watched fireworks with my parents!
I was even smart/lucky enough to duck out slightly early and with a brisk walk through the cool summer air, I arrived at my car, slipped onto the miraculously empty road and zipped on home before the hordes of skywatchers even reached their vehicles.
Oh, happy, happy day!

And then I sat down to type this and tripped over an article written by some complete fucking moron about the "needless hysteria" surrounding nut allergies in elementary schools.
Hey, guess what?
Fuck you, Dr. Christakis!
Some of us actually have children with life-threatening reactions to ingestion of nuts.
I am NOT hysterical, nor are my precautions needless.
But when we entrust our children to the care of the school, we expect them to return in the same fashion we sent them off.

And....wow...I just wasted an hour reading the comments posted after the aforementioned article.
And writing my own, of course.
There are truly some insensitive assholes out there who are now even more smug in their ignorance.
Nuts can kill. The reasons they don't kill more often is because we take precautions.

FaaaaackOff.

Anywho, time for bed.
I'm sunburned and sleepy.

Home Sweet Home

After a year, I am still happy that I chose to move home!
In fact, I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I love it here.
The other day, I saw one of my good friends walking along a main street of our Town (as in, "I'm going to town, do you need anything?" because...yes...this is country livin'!) and I stopped and chatted a bit and it was SO FREAKING COOL!
It's an adjustment, though, to be in a place again where everyone knows everyone.
Going to the store in my pajamas used to be acceptable, because, hey--no one'll ever see me again!
Buuuut...that's not exactly the case here, is it?
I love it, though.

A few days ago, I ran into my "first" at the toy store.
Haven't seen him in 13 years, haven't thought about him in...12 years and 11 and a half months.
Or so.
Poor fella.
(We dated all summer and were technically still "together" for the whole next school year while each of us returned to our respective universities, but that was just sort of a convenient way for me to explain my lack of dating while at school...god, I hated BYU!!!!!)
Anyway, it was nice to see him.
He was shopping with his super cute daughter and he looked like he was happy.
My Love was with me and I introduced them, asked fewer "what have you been up to" questions than I wanted answered, and we parted.
I felt oddly nervous and simultaneously oddly detached.
Shrug.
So then this morning when Love got home from work, he said, "So...wanna know yet another way in which we are connected?"
He went on to tell me that the aforementioned dude's name had sounded familiar and that last night while working the face attached to that name appeared in his head.
A teenaged face.
The face of an old girlfriend's younger brother!!!
Ha!
So....yeah.
We compared impressions of their parents and her smoking (bad breath) and his tobacco chewing (ew) and how we both felt like they were not our type at the time.
It was kiiiinda hilarious.
We lay in bed, faces inches apart, giggling.

...and have I mentioned yet today how completely, entirely, mind-blowingly in love I am with this fella???
yeah.
We're pretty damn happy.
And I am grateful to all the gods that be, for that.
The gods and Mary.
No...not the Virgin--ha!
She's no virgin!
But she introduced us, she was the gateway.
And that dear little schmoo is planting and harvesting and sharing flowers from her garden to deck the fuck out of our wedding!
Sheesh.
I'm going to have to thank her in a big way for contributing the flowers, the groom...
ya know, a couple of the more important ingredients in a good wedding.
Hehe!

I am SO excited for our wedding!!
Now...gods of generosity, could I ask one more favor?
Take away the extra weight I'm luggin' around.
I don't need it anymore!
That's right, universe, you can have it back.
Thanks for letting me borrow it--it came in real handy in surviving the tough winter and setting up a new home, and whatnot, but I'm all set.
Thanks bunches!