I am not a blogger anymore

I don't know who I think I'm kidding.
I write once a month, if that.
But I think I will let go of the guilt...
or try to.
Because I am really carrying far too much of that shit around and all I really want is to move forward and to
keep
on
writing.
Cuz...
once upon a time
it was a big part of my life.

I just need to BE.
Or is that not to be?

I am choking on my own future right now.
I have so much freedom
so much control
that I can hardly breathe.
While I have never felt more Right about a choice in my life,
it has also never been as difficult to choose something so good.

I am scared and tired and I just want Him to be here, holding me, but I don't really want him to see my weakness, I don't want him to see my fear.
I want to bolt.
I want to run far away from all of it.
But that would just be pure silliness; my heart is more full and more settled than I ever dreamed possible.
I just need to weather the storm of the outside world.
Because we are one, we are not in peril.
He is my safe harbor, my cool spot in the shade, my place to curl up beside a fire on a grey winter afternoon.
How will I do this?
How will I decide between my kids staying near their father and starting my new life with a man who will be the best step father I could ask for?
3000 miles.
That is my home, but this has become my home finally and I balk at the consideration of leaving it.
I want to cry, but my sunkissed cheeks and great hair day won't permit it.
Not true.
Mostly it's my stubborn heart stopping the tears.
I refuse to let the EX put a damper on my exuberance!!!

I am thirsty.
And tired.
I have a wretched headache, and my neck is cramped.
I have a list of very important, crucial tasks to complete and it's not even a complete list.
Nor is it completed.
ha.
fudgesicles.

SON OF A WHORE!
save me, K!llf@ce...