Still processing...

Slowly churning through all these changes in my life, but doing well.
I haven't fully grasped the reality of having moved HOME, but I'll keep ya posted.

So this post is about one characteristic of mine...
one of which I am most certainly not proud.
It's not something I know how to change--but I am working on it.
It is a physiological element of myself, and I have always been this way.
Let me see if I can explain it.
I don't sleep particularly soundly, but not lightly either--I would say I just sleep...average.
However.
I do not wake in any average way.
I am considered by all who know me to me "grouchy" in the morning.
Ha!
Both when I wake in the morning or when I am awakened in the night time, I am...truly feral.
I am in my reptile mind, I am a caveman's bratty daughter.
One of the ways this is manifested is that I can't respond to simple questions--
I feel like I am trapped inside my own mind, able only to comprehend the question and not reason out an answer, let alone convey it to my interrogator.
It is the strangest feeling I ever experience.
The reason this is on my mind is that this Love--this beautiful man with whom I am blessed to be sharing my life, my bed--this man is a morning talker.
He is, as always, sweet and tender and always defers to my known-orneriness.
But I have never had so much demand for mid-sleep conversation as I have during the past few months!!!
Oh my!
He knows I can't communicate when I first wake up.
He knows that I am not really awake until I've been "awake" for quite a few minutes (I would guess it's in the 10-15 minute range, usually).
And I think it annoys me that I am unable to join him in that place of sleepy bliss and full-consciousness at the same time!
I don't know how people DO that!
How can you be coherant and still drowsy?
God, how I wish I could change this!!!!
He says that I have made significant progress on the morning grouchiness, and I feel like he is right.
Instead of feeling compelled to join his level of cognizance, I just smile and kiss him back and keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to talk.
Because he knows that I have no words for him just yet and so he has learned not to expect any (or many).
However...
last night, as occasionally happens, he woke me after I'd been asleep for 2 or 3 hours.
He made the mistake of apologizing for waking me and asking if I wanted him to turn off the movie he was starting.
This was too much for Reptilian Me to grasp.
Of course I didn't want him to turn off the movie (he had it on because HE couldn't sleep--so the sweetness in me wanted him to have his movie) but I also couldn't sleep with so much light, sound, and incidentally, HEAT.
Suddenly I was boiling hot, and awake enough that I couldn't just go back to sleep.
So I went and sat in the kitchen.
In the dark.
With my terribly sore back.
Long story short, I couldn't fully wake up, and in my half-asleep state I was fuming.
I just didn't know why.
I couldn't figure it out, but I tried.
And I tried and I tried and I tried.
And then I was awake.
So I went back to bed and he asked if I was mad at him for waking me up.
I said, "No, I'm mad at you for talking to me!" Breaking into a laugh at the end.
I think the underlying problem was that I am semi-sick and my back is killing me and I had had an emotionally draining conversation with the X earlier in the day that I hadn't had a quiet moment to think or talk about and it was still haunting me.
But most of all, I hated that he was awake and I wasn't...I wanted to be with him and I was mad at myself for falling asleep.
I'm such a freak.