Misty Morning

It is a beautiful, misty morning here, the grey surrounding our bright bedroom on all sides--
we have large windows all around the room and it makes me feel like I'm outside!
I love it.
The thick, wet air clings to the tall dark trees--not unlike a drunk debutante and her escort...

I think I am finally settling in here, to this house, to this life.
It has been a very strange few months--
I have felt instensely happy, satisfied, passionate, and sure of my decisions, and yet...
yet...I have been under so much stress over outside concerns and stress from adjusting to this new life that I have been almost in a depression.
It is very odd, when I think about it.
I have been the happiest I've ever been with an underlying sadness.
The stress and adjustment period seem to be ending.
I am here, I am here, I am here!!!

There are so many things about this whole adventure that are hard to wrap my head around.
I am coming back to the place I grew up, and it is much the same, but...I think mostly I see it differently now, although it has undoubtedly changed some as well.
I am changed, so it looks different, feels different.
The way I remember it as a "grown up" is not at all how it feels to me now, for those were the college years and I was a wild and hungry little thing.
Always searching, always working so hard, and playing just as hard.
I would waitress 12 hour shifts then prance off on grand or silly adventures, my number one goal being to "meet hot guys".
I had no responsibilities, except to show up to work, which I always did, but it was definitely a very selfish, very self-indulgent existence.
Honestly those are the strongest memories I have of this place, because that person I was--the non-Mormon, the grown-up--that person is the closest to who I am today.
The girl I was in high school has been discarded and the the child I was before that.
They had their moments in the sun but as I followed the path from childhood into adulthood, they have faded as they should.
I still remember my childhood fondly, but from the same distance I did when I lived across the country.
I have already driven on so many roads that are new to me, and this place is taking on a whole new shape for me.
If I force myself, I can briefly touch on the memories I have of this road from childhood--we would drive down the road I now live on to pick up my twin nieces from their grandmother's house, where they lived at the time.
The woman still lives there, my Dad's first wife (well, second, actually, but the first one doesn't really count...) and I see her sometimes at the post office or the compact little grocery store in town.
I think my Dad built the house she lives in.
She has leukemia now, but is doing well.
She still looks the same--a tiny bird of a woman, very exotic looking for these parts, dark-ish, but no discernible ethnic origins.
Those twins are young women now, 23 years old and pursing education and marriage with the fervor one might expect.
They are good girls.

This is good for me...thanks for humoring me.

I would like to get back to the point, for a moment, and that is that my stress level is dying down and I am feeling settled, finally.
I have been holding my sweetest Love at bay just bit, on the inside, and I think it was because I was afraid--afraid that this wouldn't actually work out, somehow, that he would not continue to find me adorable and dear and cherishable once he had to see my bedhead every morning and watch me gain weight at ridiculous speed.
But guess what?
He does.
He loves me so much it kind of makes me giggle nervously, like I'm about to get caught impersonating someone worth loving...
A poem, perhaps?

My love loves me so much it makes me giggle
nervously
like I'm about to get caught
impersonating someone worth loving.
But then I remember I'm not a very good actress
and he isn't that gullible
(and then I wonder if that word was really taken out of the dictionary
because if not, I'd like to look it up to see if I spelled it right.)
And I continue to ponder,
and now I am blushing
because...
he loves me from the inside out and the outside in,
just
the
way
that I love him.

He worked form 6 last night until 6 this morning,
so he is zonked out in our lusciously cozy bed right now,
but I will send him that poem so that when he turns on his phone and checks his messages he will read it.

That reminds me...
I have a wedding reading to write.
One of my DEAREST friends in all the world and in all the directions that time runs, is getting married 3 weeks from today and I am a bridesmaid and I am invited to write something lovely to read in honor of their love.
I am...to be redundant, honored.
But I am also very nervous.
I gotta just git to it.
Hehe.

Oh my gaaaaaaawd, I can't wait to be there, with all of the dear friends and with my Love, meeting them!!!!!!

I still haven't found a job, but I know that I will.
I just hope it's The Right One.
I believe that it will be.
Because this is MY year!!!

The kids are flourishing, by the way.
I knew that they would, I knew it.
They are so happy and silly and GOOD.
They haven't been this obedient....maybe EVER.
We are all very close and very happy here.
They are spending 3 weeks with their father at Xmas, and I hope they enjoy it.
I know I will!
Actually, I was struggling with it at first, realizing how lonely christmas might feel to me with my Mom and my kids all the way out there in Utah (my Mom is flying with them so they don't have to take the triple expensive direct flight) and my Love working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...
But then I remembered:
My best friend will be home for the holidays and my other best friend lives near one of the best ski resorts in Maine!!!
Hooooooray!!!

Yes, life is good.
But it oughta be, cuz I have crawled uphill on my hands and knees for ten years to get here.
I have given up a lot to be here recently too, and I have had to acknowledge that, even though I feel like it is worth every bit of loss, to the 439th power!
It just makes me appreciate what I have all the more.

Oh, hey, also...
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!