Well........

I'm pretty sure this place is a sealed forum--no leaks. :)
So, I'm going to talk candidly about what's on my mind.
Not too many people stop by anyway, and I'm 99% sure that my Ex doesn't have access to this site.
If he does, oh well.
He sure wasn't invited here and if I want to vent my thoughts and feelings on my own god damned blog, I think I am allowed!!

I am carrying around a ball of a tension in my chest.
It is heavy and kind of fuzzy--more like one of those fuzzy-looking cacti than a teddy bear though.
I have a job, starting next week.
I have tickets for the kids and I to fly to Utah so they can spend 2 weeks with their father.
My day care needs are so irregular that I have no formal plan in place and it is making me want to hyperventilate.
My parents are awesome and will step in when they can, but my Mom's on jury duty and then starts her own full time job a couple of weeks after I start.
My Love is super awesome and has assured me that whenever he's not at work he will be happy to be in charge of my little ones. (who am I kidding? They're 8...and not very small, at that! Size 12 pants...size 6 men's shoes...)
But even those two generous offers leave a few random holes in the coverage--a day here, a half a day there.
I am grateful for Love's strange, rotating schedule because it decreases my need for paying someone to watch the kids, but it makes it harder to figure out what to do with them.
I know...I'm a huge pussy.
Just don't forget my housewifely origins--I'm kinda spoiled, AND I've never had to arrange actual daycare for my kids before.
So I'm fortunate there.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling positively FRANTIC about the fact that I'm going to be working almost full time this summer and leaving them in the care of others!
I want to sob.
...already did that. Didn't help.
So where does my Ex come into this?
Well, it's a separate issue, but it pairs up with this one quite nicely. :)
(Like a crisp white wine with....eh...something it would taste good with...I don't know wines!)
So the Ex said he could have them come visit for 2 weeks this summer and he told me which dates he was available and I bought tickets.
They are too young to fly alone, unless it's a non-stop flight, but these days those flights are double the cost of one with connections, or more.
So...I bought myself a ticket, too.
This was after I knew I was informally hired for my summer job, but long before I knew what kind of schedule he would have me on.
I said I could work 20-30 hours, but I should have said 20.
He has me at 30, but with the mandatory breaks and longish drive to and from, that puts me at being away from home for 40 hours, easily. At least I have weekends off this time. I am very grateful for that!
But I digress...
So after I got my schedule from the boss-to-be, I told him about my trip to Utah and he said he really couldn't do without me for 2 weeks and was very kind about offering to work with me on it, but I agreed to look into alternate solutions, since the main priority was having someone fly with the kids. I didn't "need" to visit Utah, just needed to not send my kids on a flight alone.
So......I have spen the last few weeks tracking down any and all people who might have a connection to Utah (people I grew up with, at church) and who might be able or willing to use my ticket--a free ticket, in exchange for accompanying my kiddos.
A fair deal, right?
Well, I haven't had any luck.
And I thought if that failed, I could just fly the kids out, come back after a couple of days and the Ex and I could share the cost of another ticket--for someone in Utah to fly back here with the kids.
He had even agreed to this, earlier in discussions, knowing that I might have trouble getting 2 weeks off--and losing 2 weeks of pay; I don't exactly get PTO!
Well, Senor Ex and I spoke the day before yesterday and he said that he is definitely not willing to pay for half of another ticket (aobut $200 for each of us) and that he can really only spare a week.
He is already sick of having to use up all of his vacation time to see his kids.
While that makes me sick, I can also sympathize--if the kids lived there he wouldn't have to use vacation time, he would just have them every other weekend.
But ya know what?
I don't really have any sympathy for him because he seems to choose not to spend time with them whenever it's a matter of convenience.
If he doesn't want to spend time with his kids badly enough to be inconvenienced now and then (and this dates back to when we were still married, as well as when we lived in Utah and he weekend visits) then he can just live with that.
He is the one missing out on some awesome kids and I can only do so much to foster that relationship. He has to at least TRY!
He even had the fucking NERVE to suggest that if I couldn't work out this visit to his satisfaction that we should just "push it off til winter".





Speechless.
That left me fucking speechless.
You'd be ok with not seeing your kids for A WHOLE YEAR????
When you're allowed two visits during the school year and HALF of their summer vacation????
Yes, I think they're too young to spend 6 weeks with him, and 3 visits a year is a little more cashola than I can afford, but shit.
To say 2 weeks and then downgrade it to ONE?
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
And "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr".
My Mom gently reminds me that men don't always have the same bond with their kids as women do, but she's from, like, a generation and a half away, so it's different.
Men now are so much more involved in their children's lives and I know plenty of men who are great fathers and would have never agreed to let us move to Maine without a fight--over more than just money, that is.
And as sucky as that would have been, I would have welcomed it.
I wish he was a good enough father that I could ever consider letting him have the school year with the kids while I get summers.
As painful as that would be, I could do it if they had a father who treated them with love and kindness and who wanted to teach them stuff and who loved spending time with them.
But that's not who he is. He never has been, probably never will be. But the fucking retard is having another baby so maybe this time he'll get it right. (my tongue hurts from how heavy THAT sarcasm was)
So whatever.
My Mom did get me to realize that I can't force him to have a relationship with our children.
It fucking KILLS me that he doesn't crave a relationship with them himself, but I guess I'll just be glad I don't have to share them.
Cuz I happen to enjoy the little buggers.

Well. I feel marginally better, but I still haven't solved any of my dilemmas.
I need to call Southwest and find out how much they'll charge me to change all of our flights for an earlier return date, then call my boss and make sure he can't spare me for 2 weeks--which frustrates me to no end, because I will lose half a month's pay just to make sure that fucker sees his kids when he won't even pay an extra $200 (which equals, like...3 hours of work for him!) so that his kids can stay 2 weeks and I don't have to lose 2 weeks of income. Why the fuck am I the only one willing to make sacrifices here????? And yet he still brands me the selfish one. I hate him. (in case that was unclear)

Ok.
So.
1. call SWA
2. call boss
3. map out the whole summer's daycare days
-call the school-based summer camp that offers day rates rather than just weekly to see if I can just take the kids there once a week or so, in a semi-random pattern...(they're doing all sorts of awesome field trips, too, so that's cool, and maybe some of their school friends will be there)

Now, that's not so bad...

On my agenda for today is make super-awesome wholewheat bread and clean out the breezeway...it is embarassingly full of empty cardboard boxes right now...embarassing because they are the proof (the milk moustache) that I have done a LOT of online shopping.

Ok.
Well.
If anyone was brave or foolish enough to read all that, I commend you.
At least I sorted through my thoughts.....even if I don't feel better yet.